A Twin Story, My Story

Just because I guess I haven't really written this out before...

About 9 years ago we decided we were done having kids. While Elijah (#3) was a handful of a baby, it was mostly due to physical complications after he was born (a story for another day). 

About 7 years ago we were (super) surprised when I found out I was pregnant. Eventually the fear turned to excitement as I imagined holding a sweet newborn again. Unfortunately (though I don't think that word is quite right) God decided to take this sweet baby straight to Himself when I was 9 weeks along.

I was crushed in all ways. I would like to say I was able to lean into God for strength, but I can't say that. While publicly I seemed ok and maybe even strong, at home I was in turmoil- I questioned, I cried, I was confused and really angry.Why would God give me a surprise baby only to take it away? I couldn't wrap my mind around it. Looking for answers, I read Jerry Bridges' Trusting God and also Suffering and the Sovereignty of God. Both of these were very helpful. But my arms were still empty.

I began praying that I would be able to have another baby. Several people had told me how fast they were able to conceive after miscarrying, which made it harder when that wasn't quite my story. 

About three or four months later, though, one night I remember praying again. This time I actually prayed, and I quote, "Even if it's twins, God, I think I'd be ok with that." Seriously! I immediately caught myself and said, "Wait! Did I really say that?!" I was NEVER one of those crazy people who always wanted twins! But I guessed since I prayed it, there it was!

A few weeks later, lo and behold: the double pink line on the test. (cue nervous laughter)

At 8 1/2 weeks I had some bleeding, so I went in for an early ultrasound. Christian came with me; the last one had been too traumatic by myself. Our doctor was measuring the healthy heartbeat of the little baby when I noticed something. "What is that up there?" I asked, pointing to a similarly shaped moving spot. Dr. Perrin replied, "Umm...are you ready for this?" Yes indeed, twins. There is no doubt in my mind that God hears our prayers, and maybe sometimes even puts them there to start with. :)

P.S. I know there are a LOT of ladies out there with varying degrees of infertility. I don't want my story to make light of your pain, or make it sound like God hasn't heard your prayers. I know He does hear them. I don't know why He does things the way He does, and I don't have answers. But I do know that He loves you and you can still trust Him!